On my 30th Birthday...

Man!! I am already 30!! The realization came just 2 days back. I knew my birthday was approaching, but I did not realize that magic figure of "30" until 2 days back. And I was paused for a moment.Will I celebrate my 60th b'day? If not, then I have already spent half of my life. All my near and dear ones seemed to appear in front of me, whom I have to leave one day.Did I feel like crying? I felt so. It was a difficult moment. The thought of one's death comes to everyone's mind at times or the other, but it never came to me so intensely. It was too heavy for me to let that thought creep into my mind further, so I had to close the door. It was just a few seconds, but it took me a journey 30 years forward and I had a glimpse of what is lying ahead.Everyone of us have to face it one day.


But today is my b'day yaar!! Let's try to forget those thoughts for a moment. I woke up in the morning after receiving a sms from my sister which says "Be happy and keep them happy who brought you here". It again struck me. Am I keeping them happy? Are they proud of me? They know the answer best but I am making a promise to myself today that I will keep my sister's words, if not already. Today I stay miles away from my parents to earn my bread and butter and at the end of each passing day my heart becomes heavier with the thought that I have missed one more day staying close to them.Every day of my life starts with prayer and ends with the same prayer "GOD, please do something..please let me go close to them".But GOD hasn't answered me yet.Feeling heavy again, but can't let my emotion takes control over me, I said to myself "STOP it here!! It's your b'day, it's time to enjoy". "Oh yes", I realize.


I can see my orkut scrap book is floating with wishes since yesterday, received few calls from close friends.But the number of calls certainly have reduced over the years. There was a sense of pride during the school/college days as who wishes the b'day boy/girl first, but it does not seem to have any relevance today.I am not complaining about it,either.Everyone of us had got busy with our individual lives, but in spite of everything when two my close friends, one flew more than 1000 miles and the other took one of the biggest risk of his life by driving 300 miles on US highway for the first time after getting his DL, to make it to my b'day, I simply had no words for them.I used to feel bad if someone close forgot to wish me but today I realize it is more important to have a friend whom you can always bank on at your difficult times, even if he forgets your birthday. The definition of friendship has certainly changed for me over the years, wishing "Happy Birth Day" is the peripheral, not the core of friendship.


All the wishes are pouring in. My wife is cooking the dishes i like most. My parents are sending their blessings and praying for my long and happy life. But still amidst all these, I am not able to get rid of that "30"!! Is it because this very thought never come to my mind before or is the realization true that i might have already lived half of my life, anything extra i would consider as bonus.Live is a 360 degree circle and from now on, every step will take me towards where from I started. It is as if I am reminding myself that if i have not already woken up, it is time for me to wake up. If anything worth doing is not yet done, I should start doing it. On of my ex-colleague and mentor once told me "When you will be lying on your death bed and you will be looking back, you should be proud of what you have achieved in life, you should be proud of the legacy you are leaving behind. The lesser regrets you will have that day, the happier you will be. And all through our life, our sole aim would be to make us the happiest on that very day".


Therefore, I have set my focus.Henceforth, I will live everyday of my life as if it is my last day on earth. I will do whatever it takes to make my near and dear ones happy. I will try to be a better human being with each passing day. I will make a life so that everyone realizes when i will be no more. I had read a bengali poem long time back, but today i am realizing each words of it....


Jedin tumi pratham eshechile bhabe
Tumi matra kede chile hese chilo sabe

Emon jivan hobe karite gathan
Marane hasibe tumi kadibe bhuban...


Equivalent english translation


When you first came to this world,
you only cried and everyone else smiled

You should make a life so that after death,
you will smile and rest will be crying...

Soulmate

To begin with, at an abstraction layer, almost all of us have the same definition. But when we start to break the abstraction into clarity and try to find what lies beneath, we find no two human being have the same concept at a more granular level.It then means that even though everyone of us have a different unique definition of "soulmate", still we (probabilistically most of us) are able to find the right person and happily live ever after with him/her. But is it so simple? Are so many varieties of people living on the earth so that everyone is able to find the perfect match or do most of us pretend to be happy but we are not deep inside or does our definition of that abstract concept no longer hold true once we face the reality?

The process of building the image of one's ideal match starts from the teenage when it is still blurred and it gets a definite shape with more clarity as one grows up.And this process is controlled by many factors, primarily the family background that one belongs to, the society one lives in, the peer circle one is surrounded with and mostly the personality one develops. That's why i thought she must be someone with whom i must "connect" to, she should be aware of all the current affairs so that we never run out of discussion, she must be fluent in English so that i should never feel embarrassed of taking her to any place,she must be a working professional preferably in S/W industry more preferably in the same organization as that of mine so that we can make our on site trips together and so many other criteria, the list will go on and on.

These are I thought the bare minimum criteria one must have to be my soulmate. And standing today, I must admit I was all wrong. I was right till the abstraction, but no more when I tried to break the abstraction. I was right that we should always have something to discuss so that we don't feel bored in each other's presence, but that discussion need not only be centered around current affairs.I was right that I should be proud of her and never feel embarrassed because of her but i was wrong that speaking English is not the only way to make me feel proud.I was right that we should enjoy any trips we make together, but that need not be an on site trip and she does not need to be a S/W professional.
Today i never feel bored in her presence because of her enchanting personality to make any discussion interesting.Today i am proud of her because people appreciate her in spite of the fact that she is not fluent in English and my joy sees no bound when people call me lucky to have her in my life. Needless to say, i do connect to her, because our core values match, our ethics/principles do not contradict and our view towards life do not differ.

So, why is this big difference between what i thought what i wanted and what i now realize what i want. To me, the reason being we do not know what we want in life as a whole and therefore, we do not know whether what we think the best match for us is indeed the best match for us. And to make matter worse for us, we don't listen to our heart, for whom we are searching the mate, rather we try to get the best "deal" for us. And when the "deal" does not match up to our expectation, that is when we realize what we were actually looking for.

This is when one realizes the true meaning of "being loved". You realize nothing else but just the assurance of someone will be your side for the rest of your life, no matter what happens is the biggest deal you can ever sign on. When you hold her tight close to your heart as if you do not want to take a single breath being away from her and when she clings to you as if you are her last support if the world falls apart, is there a more divine feeling? It is said one's soul always remains sacrosanct, no matter if the brain becomes dysfunctional, the mind becomes corrupt. And we must free ourselves from all dilution while searching the mate for that sacred soul.

We will reach the destination....